Inside and Out

Charlie,

When you were inside, you had lots of hiccups. They drove me nuts.  Now that you're out, you still have lots of hiccups.  They only drive me nuts because I feel like they're bothering you AND they keep you from sleeping sometimes.  I don't like when things keep you from sleeping.  Sleep is good!

When you were inside, I couldn't wait for you to get here!  I got teary and smiley just thinking about your arrival.  When you came out, it honestly wasn't the moment I hoped it would be.  As I said earlier, you were blue and you were put on me and taken from me immediately and all I could do was look in your direction and try not to break down.  Try to keep it together for you and me and your Dad.  And then you were fine and then you weren't and the cycle kept going.  But I think that time in the hospital showed me immediately that you were going to require patience and flexibility... two things I am NOT known for and I needed to be reminded of immediately.  I'm thankful we had that time to adapt to your arrival.

When you were inside, you threw your arms up and into my pelvis sending shooting pains through my nether-regions.  Now that you're out, you throw your arms up and all it does is wake you up and make me laugh.

When you were inside, I tried so hard not to worry.  I made Matthew 6:27 my mantra, "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"... or YOUR life?  Not me.  I prayed for you and for me and I was praying that I wouldn't be anxious because stress isn't good for either of us.  And I know the Lord took care of us.  He gave me self-control to take care of you through my diet when we had gestational diabetes.  He gave me rest when we needed it and energy when we needed it.  Now that you're out, my new mantra is Philippians 4:6-7, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  I've prayed more simply and more fervently than I ever have in my life.  For you and for me.  I know what to pray for because I'm single-minded in my mission.  That is to take care of you and love you and cherish you as well as I can.  I know that will grow and change as you do... but for now, it's enough.

When you were inside, you would push your legs out and your bottom would shove itself against my belly.  Now that you're out, I want to figure out what this "move" is but I haven't seen it yet!  And I want to get a better look at your cute bottom but I'm afraid to spend too much time with it because I'm not quite ready to get tinkled on.

When you were inside, the ultrasounds showed your mouth and eyebrows moving.  They also showed your awesome head of hair.  Now that you're out, I LOVE watching your mouth and eyebrows move.  That's always been my favorite thing about watching babies... their tiny mouths.  And yours is fascinating and hilarious to me.  And your hair... well, it just makes you the sweet little man that you are.  And it makes bath time even more important because that hair gets dir-ty.

When you were inside, I thought I was ready to be a mom. I knew it would be hard. I knew what I was up against.  I knew what I was nervous about.  I knew I was going to love you.  Now that you're out, I can say I was ready in some ways but never could have known how I would feel every time I look at you.  I adore you and each day it just gets better than the day before.

I won't write you all these letters all the time, but you're brand new and I don't want to forget all of these things!  There are big huge feelings and thoughts and I want to remember this amazing time for all of it's awesomeness and scariness.  Because it's all part of the experience that we are going through together... and I'm soaking up every minute.

Love, 

Mom