12.18.2010

This is hard.

It's hard to admit that I don't know what I'm doing.  I cry sometimes.  That's hard to admit, too.

It's tough to get no sleep and function and keep a positive attitude in the most intense few weeks of my life.  And to then say that I sometimes don't have a positive attitude.  And to then say that I then feel guilty when I don't.

It's challenging to keep a 7 week old awake and happy doing one activity for any stretch of time.  Case in point...

It's not easy thinking of games to play with your hands and feet.  Patty cake, the itsy bitsy spider, deep and wide, I'm a little tea pot, the chicken dance, this little piggy, the hokey pokey, head and shoulders knees and toes (knees and toes)... these all play a part in our daily routine.

It's demanding... this unscheduled schedule.

It's physically painful to worry that he could just not wake up.

It's impossible to put this experience into words.

It's immense.  That this life is in my hands.  But it's not.


And yet...

It's hard to not laugh when he sticks out his lower lip and pouts.  It's also hard to not cry tears of happiness when I focus on the fact that he's mine. 

It's tough to leave him for any amount of time without at least wondering what he's doing.  And missing him.

It's challenging to keep a bottle in with your chin while texting pictures to your mother.

It's not easy to pass up a chance to kiss him on his tiny mouth.  Or his button nose.  Or his belly.  Or his chubby cheeks.  So I don't.

It's demanding... this boogery nose.

It's physically painful to hold in a sneeze while rocking him to sleep.  

It's impossible to explain the joy I feel while staring at his expressive sleeping face.

It's immense.  This love.


This is hard.

7 comments:

Lea Arnold said...

congrats on being a mom :)
the hard parts mostly get easier...i say mostly because those get easier and then something new comes along, but that's life... and you have him :) i promise it's SO worth ALL the heartache.
I also want to remind you that your hormones are playing some of these roles that you will begin to feel different about some of these things in a few weeks...
I cried, for no reason, lots ... that's ok ... :)
congrats!!!!

Katrina said...

ummm yes to everything you said. Love you lots.

sarah said...

You're an amazing mom. Sending hugs your way.

efguess said...

yep! it only gets better...and then you love them more...and then you know if anything happened then- it would be an even BIGGER loss. it will never end- the loving, the worrying, on and on. you are doing such a wonderful job, and i know that my brother thinks you are an amazing mom! love!

katie newton said...

wow- I think you actually summed up motherhood!! :) What really gets me is I thought the worrying was the WORST when they were in my tummy... I really had NO IDEA!!! :) xoxo!! Praying for you during this "transition" phase! EVERYTHING is better when they sleep all night... promise.

Tiffany said...

LOVE.

All of it. And you. And him.

Rebecca and Travis said...

You have totally summed up the first six months of our lives with Claire...but let me encourage you that the past 6 months have been the most incredible, amazing, wonderfully fun months of all of motherhood for me! Yes!! It does get better!! Just when I thought we'd conqured one thing, there came another... And actually that part hasn't changed for us in this first year. But... We survived!!! Hang in there... you are doing such a great job and God knew what He was doing when he gave little Charlie to you!!

Please let me know if you need anything, or just want to vent.

To sum it up...After ALL the ups and downs of this past year of her life, we've decided that every tear, sleepless night, unxplained histerical crying moment, and moment of temporary insanity, was totally worth it. Our lives are better for having her in them, than without. Love you Liz!